


there's this ringing in my head (who said it was gonna be easy?)

by lucashemwow



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, Happy Ending, Healthy Relationships, Heavy Angst, M/M, Recovery, Self-Harm, major trigger warning, michael and calum are great friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 07:23:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2182986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucashemwow/pseuds/lucashemwow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ashton should've known he wasn't worth it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there's this ringing in my head (who said it was gonna be easy?)

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from thanks to you by all time low
> 
>  _reminder:_ please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or the circumstance.

Ashton really should've known better.

He should've known that he wasn't worth enough to be in the band, to even be alive. He shouldn't known that Luke didn't really love him, because how could he? He was the biggest fuck up on the planet and everyone would be better off without him so why the fuck was he still there.

He realised it, that night, whilst reading through the comments made, the damn hashtag from many months before still surfacing, still branded into his memory. He realised it all.

He realised all the things that were wrong with him, all the things he needed to change because he was honestly the most disgusting thing in the world and he knew that he was so, so far from being even a quarter of the way to amazing, to perfect.

He just needed to be perfect.

At first, the change wasn't noticeable. At least, not enough to get the other boys onto him.

He cautiously skipped meals, knowing that if he drew too much attention to it he'd be caught. He smiled falsely at the prospect of food, eating as little as he could get away with, forcing it back up afterwards. He worked and worked himself in the gym, not stopping until he was passing out from exhaustion and the sheer force of the hunger that made him up. None of the boys were the wiser, and Ashton watched in satisfaction as the numbers on the scale slowly ticked down.

His wrists were next in his path of destruction; the already scarred skin was split open again and again, blood pouring out of each cut he made, reminding him that he was so so fucked up for enjoying the sight of his own blood from a cut made from his own hand. After a couple of days, goddammit Ashton only _days_ , his wrists were so completely covered by cuts and scars that he couldn't bear to look at them anymore, so he moved on to his thighs.

That was when the boys noticed.

;

"Ash, we're heading out to lunch. You coming?" Michael called up the stairs.

Ashton didn't look away from the mirror, too busy glaring at every flaw on his disgusting body, wishing it would all disappear, "No thanks Mikey, I'll grab something here!"

Michael didn't reply, and Ashton guessed that meant that he'd left, taking Ashton's no for what it was. The quiet _snick_ of the door closing and the sudden silence in the flat proved that theory.

Ashton smiled without humour, glad to be alone with his thoughts. He threw a shirt on, not wanting to look at his flawed body anymore, and stepped out from the room he shared with Luke, his footsteps soft against the hardwood flooring.

He rounded the corner into the kitchen, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge and quickly downing it. The ache in his stomach subsided slightly.

Ashton braced himself against the counter, drumming a random tempo onto the granite, his thoughts drowning the sound out. He shook his head, struggling to keep away thoughts of blood and death. He knew if he were to do something like that right now, when he was alone, he would make sure he wouldn't wake up.

Eventually, the still silence of the flat got to him, and he quickly slid into his room, playing his music as loud as he could to override his thoughts.

He should've known it wouldn't be that easy.

;

"I'm worried about Ash," Michael said, chin on his folded arms.

Luke looked up at him, his eyes darkening with concern for his boyfriend, "I know. I am too. What do you think's going on?"

Calum sighed, pushing his food around his plate, "Have you seen the shit people are saying and putting him through? It's got to be getting to  
him."

Luke worried at his lower lip, checking his phone for any messages from Ashton, "He won't say anything if it is. He's keeping it all in."

Calum passed a hand over his face, "I don't think we should have left him alone. Has he even been eating?"

Michael sat up quickly, fear flashing over his face, "Yeah, when was the last time we've seen him eat something? Like _really_ eat something?"

Luke quickly shoved his food in his mouth, flagging down the waitress and asking for the check, "We should get home. I don't feel comfortable with him being alone."

"I don't either," Calum stood up, offering a hand out to Michael to help him out of the booth.

Luke slid his credit card back into his wallet, quickly standing up as well, worry set clear in the lines of his face.

All three of them didn't like the gut feeling they had.

;

"Ash?" Luke called out, stepping into the cold flat. All of the lights were out, the curtains drawn, music blasting from the room Luke shared with Ashton.

"Babe?" Luke tried again, venturing further into the flat with Calum and Michael in tow. They quietly walked into Luke and Ashton's room, the eerie stillness getting to them.

Ashton's phone sat on the unmade bed, music blaring out of the tiny speakers. Luke recognised the song as one Ashton listened to only when he was feeling down.

"Ashton? Sweetheart where are you?" Luke was getting more and more anxious. _Where was Ashton?_

"Luke," Calum breathed. "The bathroom."

Of course. Why didn't Luke think of that?

"You don't think he-" Michael cut himself off, tears beginning to glisten in his eyes.

"I hope he didn't, Mikey," Calum whispered, slowly moving forward to press the door of the bathroom open.

At first glance, it looked empty, and relief curled in Luke's belly. But then he heard the quiet sobs coming from the shower, and the relief froze into horror. He knew what was happening now.

Luke held his hand up to Calum and Michael, halting them. He dropped to his knees, his hand fisting in the material of the shower curtain. Oh so slowly, as to not startle Ashton, he drew the curtain back.

Ashton looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Luke's heart broke at the sight in front of him.

Ashton's small body was curled into an even smaller ball, his legs folded up like a child. His bony _(shit how could you have not noticed how thin he was Luke, you're the worst boyfriend ever)_ wrists were lying face up on his exposed (also scarred) thighs, the thin skin utterly _destroyed_. Cuts marred the pale flesh, some smooth and clean, others ragged and deep. Luke's breath caught in his throat at the sheer amount there were, some ranging from little white scars to scabbed over scratches, while some were still weeping blood, obviously just having been made by the small silver blade in Ashton's left hand.

"Oh Ash," Luke murmured helplessly, and that was all it took for Ashton's eyes to fill with tears, spilling down his hollowed cheeks as he sobbed out apology after apology.

Luke sensed Calum grabbing the medical kit, though he was too preoccupied by the broken boy in front of him. Slowly, he climbed into the tub next to Ashton, not caring about the blood now staining his clothes, pulling Ashton's trembling body into his chest.

"I'm so sorry," Ashton gasped, pressing his face into Luke shirt, his large hand fisted in the material on Luke's back. "Fuck, I just- _Luke-_ "

"Sh baby," Luke cooed, running his hands up and down Ashton's back and sides, kissing his head repeatedly. "I need you to calm down baby, sh."

Ashton took a shuddering breath, his tears not stopping in the slightest. Luke pushed Ashton's hair back from his forehead, looking deep into his eyes, comforting him the best he could.

Michael crouched down in front of the tub, lightly pressing his fingertips to Ashton's shoulder, "Babe?" he tried, his voice soft. Ashton raised his head and gave him a vulnerable look. Michael swallowed, "Can we clean you up, peach? When we're done we can all cuddle."

"Promise?" Ashton's voice was shaky.

Michael smiled softly, "Promise."

Ashton sucked in a breath and nodded, letting Luke move him around on his lap until he was sitting in between his legs, still in the tub, with his bloody wrists hanging over the edge.

Calum's eyes filled with tears at the sight, and Ashton had to bite back a whimper. He never intended to cause his boyfriend and bandmates so much _pain_.

Calum and Michael worked quickly, cleaning the cuts and bandaging them, struggling to ignore Ashton's whimpers, the sound breaking their hearts even more.

Finally, after all the cuts had been taken care of, Luke pulled Ashton into his arms, stepping out of the tub. His bottom lip trembled at how thin and fragile Ashton felt in his arms, how it felt like if he pressed any harder he'd shatter.

"I'm just going to go get him cleaned up," Luke explained in a low voice, hugging Ashton tighter to him. "We'll be in our room."

Calum nodded, gently pressing a kiss to the top of Ashton's head before he dragged Michael out of the bathroom.

Luke bent his head and pressed a lingering kiss to Ashton's temple, sighing against the soft skin, "I love you _so much_ sweetheart," he murmured.

Ashton gripped his shirt tighter in response, a muffled, "I love you," spoken into the material.

Luke carried him over to the bed, carefully setting him down. He grabbed them both a pair of sweat pants and himself a new shirt, but he grabbed Ashton the biggest, softest jumper that Luke owned, knowing that Ashton loved wearing Luke's clothes.

Luke pressed his lips against Ashton's as he slowly worked Ashton's shirt up. Ashton whimpered, frantically shaking his head.

"What's wrong baby?" Luke cupped Ashton's cheek in his hand, thumb stroking the soft skin.

Ashton sobbed, his hands pressing into Luke's hips, "I don't want you to see how fat and ugly I am."

Luke's eyes welled with tears, his face burying in Ashton's hair, his fingers clenched against Ashton's skin, "Baby, _no_. You're not- you're not ugly or fat or _anything_. You are absolutely fucking _perfect_ sweetheart, so gorgeous and amazing and lovely."

"Then why don't I think that?" Ashton whined, leaning his forehead against Luke's abdomen.

Luke sighed shakily, smoothing the back of his fingers over Ashton's hair, "I don't know, baby," he replied honestly, kissing Ashton's forehead repeatedly. "I don't know why you feel so bad, but I promise you I will help, okay? I promise that no matter what, I will be here and I will help you feel better. We'll get through this, okay? You and me, and Cal and Miley. I promise baby, you aren't alone. You will _never_ be alone."

Ashton gave a quiet whimper, nuzzling closer to Luke, "Okay," he finally relented, allowing Luke to carefully pull his shirt over his head, and then his shorts.

"Oh baby," Luke breathed, swallowing painfully. Ashton's body was _wrecked_.

All of his ribs were visible, his stomach concave and his hipbones jutting out. His thighs were miles apart, covered in thin white scars. He was so _thin_.

Luke felt tears starting to slide down his cheeks, the lump in his throat making it difficult to swallow. He gently pressed his hands to Ashton's shoulders, carefully pushing him back to lay on the bed. Ashton looked up at him with innocent, vulnerable eyes.

"Why would you think you're anything less than perfect?" Luke murmured, running his hands down Ashton's sides. Ashton shook his head, tears trickling down his cheeks. Luke settled between Ashton's spread legs, his hands looking so _huge_ on Ashton's tiny body.

"You're so beautiful," Luke whispered, bending his head to press his lips to Ashton's collarbone, his tongue gently caressing the skin.

Ashton gave a choked gasp as Luke slowly moved down his body, whispering quiet endearments into the warm skin, pressing a loving kiss to every bone, every scar, every cut he could feel. By the time that Luke was done, quiet sobs wracked his body.

"What's wrong lovebug?" Luke brushed Ashton's hair out of his face.

"I just love you so much," Ashton cupped Luke's cheek in his large hand, giving him a shy, watery smile before he pulled him down to press their lips together.

Immediately, Luke wrapped around him, pulling him into his body cautiously, the kiss soft and gentle. Luke carefully pried Ashton's mouth open, sweetly licking into his mouth, effectively numbing Ashton's mind until all he could focus on was the warmth of Luke's body on top of his own and the delicious scent of his skin and the taste of his mouth against Ashton's and _Luke_.

"Here sweetheart, let's get dressed, and then we can cuddle, okay?" Luke pulled back to look at him, his lips swollen and thumb stroking Ashton's cheek.

Ashton nodded, "Please."

Luke quickly rid himself of his bloodstained clothing, pulling on the trackpants and the shirt, before turning to Ashton and gently helping him into Luke's clothes, not even bothering to suppress the coo at how adorable Ashton looked with sleepy eyes and rumpled hair, his sweater paws pressed against his cheeks.

"C'mere baby," Luke heaved himself up onto the bed next to Ashton, curling the older boy into his chest, keeping him close with strong arms around his waist.

Luke laid with Ashton pressed close to him for a while, stroking his palm up and down the smooth expense of his back, nuzzling into his hair and kissing his forehead.

A quiet knock sounded on the door, followed by Michael sticking his head in, his expression softening at the sight of the two boys, "Can we come in? I promised Ash a cuddle."

Ashton looked up at him sleepily, stretching a soft sweater paw towards him, "Cuddle."

Calum cooed, moving over to the bed to sit next to Ashton's head, brushing his hair out of his face. Michael plopped himself down between Calum's legs, his arm wrapping around Ashton's waist.

Ashton sighed happily, lacing his fingers with Michael's and pressing back into Calum's hand, "I love you guys," he murmured, kissing Luke's collarbone.

Michael kissed the back of his head, "We love you more, peach. You aren't alone in this, promise."

"We'll get through this," Calum added, tapping Ashton's forehead.

Ashton nodded, letting his eyes slip closed, warm and safe and happy in the arms of his boyfriend, surrounded by people who loved him.

(And get through it they did.

While Ashton was willing to go to therapy, and willing to be put on antidepressants, it wasn't the easiest thing to overcome. Luke had known that this would be an uphill battle and they'd most definitely fall back, but more often than not, the days found Ashton screaming at Luke because he was making him eat, or wouldn't let him touch anything sharp.

However, Ashton mused to himself many years later, the faded silver scars on his wrists catching his attention, he knew he'd made the right choice.

Looking at his husband and brothers playing with his kids, Ashton knew he had a reason for staying, for not giving up and taking his own life.

When Luke looked up and caught his eye, his smile dazzling with their three year old sitting in his lap, Ashton knew there was no place he'd rather be.)

**Author's Note:**

> don't forget to leave kudos and comments bc they make me happy


End file.
